My Fear & Self-Sabotage Exposed
Have you ever been so excited about something? The perfect opportunity, job, or relationship? That new fitness program or lifestyle change? Then for some unknown reason, you do or something that screws it up? That destroys it?
What now? Can we shift negative self-talk, self-sabotage, and subconscious fear?
Making Amends
We can try to make amends first. Ask for forgiveness, rebuild trust, or do what you can to get back on track. Sometimes that works. For example, when I was interviewing candidates for a receptionist position, I had about fifteen applicants; five I called in for an interview. One was a twenty-year-old woman, who had great qualifications, fit all my requirements, and who came in looking professional and holding herself with confidence. But she was anxious and unclear while answering questions, and by the time we were done, I had already decided she was not a good fit. I walked her out, and as she opened the front door, she turned to me and said, “I know I really screwed up that interview, but I want you to know I will be the best receptionist you’ve had if you hire me.” Then she walked out the door.
She impressed me by acknowledging her shortcomings and confronted me with honesty and integrity. I ended up hiring her and she was right. She was efficient, friendly, and organized. If she didn’t understand my directions or if I gave her conflicting information, she would clarify with me and make sure she got it right.
I’m a Pro at Self-Sabotage
Other times, it doesn’t work so well. I’ve self-sabotaged in the past. For example, I’ve procrastinated and missed deadlines for speaking engagements because I had already decided I “wasn’t good enough” to speak there or my message wasn’t powerful enough. In January I had about three hours worth of edits to do on my book. Every slot I had set aside to do it I delayed. I did little things that didn’t matter and that weren’t important. But then, it got worse. I started getting angry at myself and let my mind tell me how awful I was, how stupid, and how this is why I would never be successful. I recognized my pattern and started therapy with one of my healers. She observed my level of self-sabotage and reminded me how sometimes our beliefs from childhood or past experiences prevent us from stepping forward and embracing all that we are. The subconscious can also tell us we are unworthy of something or someone and make us do something that destroys the opportunity.
Why Did I say THAT?
I had a situation recently where I said something completely out of character for me to a person I care about deeply. I didn’t even know where it came from or why it came out of my mouth. It broke trust and destroyed everything that had been built over years. Back to my healer I went, who has me looking at the following questions.
- Do you believe you deserve this?
- What could happen if this did work out? How does it leave you vulnerable?
- Where in your past did you get hurt in a way that you subconsciously created this problem as a defense mechanism?
- How can you heal that past so you don’t do it again?
Exploring a Deeper Level
I know if I don’t look at my past, I will keep self-sabotaging over and over again in future situations because I haven’t healed the root belief and the root fear that my subconscious is protecting me from. I am actively working on it; finding forgiveness for myself for the times I failed, the times I got hurt, and the times I hurt others. It’s going to be a long road. I’m hoping for forgiveness from my friend. I’m resisting the self-forgiveness for sure. As many of us do.
Where do you self-sabotage in your relationships, your career, your health? How do you prevent yourself from opening to happiness, health, and ease in all aspects of your life? I encourage you to explore your own healing, whether with a healer or therapist, or on your own. Really sit and figure out what you want. Then go for it. Commit to yourself and the process even if it means being uncomfortable for a while. It’s how we grow. I’m right here with you.
With love,
Dawn
First off, I want to thank you Dawn for writing this article. You made me think about self-sabotage in my life. I’m a very active person that wants to get involved into different social projects. I realized that everytime I start doing something, especially with other people, I feel like something is holding me back, probably the fear of being judged as “not good enough” or as the one who had an interesting idea but not good enough to put it into practice. Also, sometimes I feel like I’m deliberately not doing my best because I’m afraid my best won’t be considered as enough. I think I’ve learned to forgive myself but I’m still afraid of other people’s judgement, probably because my past is full of people that judged me and hurt me for that reason. I’m working on it and I know It’s gonna take time because the wound is deep.
Martina,
Thank you so much for sharing! The brain is fascinating. It is always evaluating three things for our protection: Am I safe, Am I liked and accepted in this space, and Am I good enough to belong. It’s so interesting how often we decide we are not good enough. It’s a way to keep ourselves safe, but for sure can hold us back from shining our light forward.
Thank you, that was a very vulnerable act, writing that article. You get theBrene Brown award for today ha ha!! I have found with myself and with so many other people, forgiving oneself is the hardest thing. It takes a lot of quiet, meditation, and deep thought. But we are worth it. It’s worth it to be free, and worth it to love ourselves, and that way we are free to love others fully. Thank you for this.
What a thought provoking post!!!
Kudos to you for:
1st – forgiving the gal for messing up the interview and giving her a chance anyway
2nd – learning to forgive yourself along your own journey
So happy for you that you’re following your heart and learning with your own healers.