Tag Archives: connection

You Can’t Go Home Again… Or Can You?

Touch Remedies Posted on by

My Parents’ Home

I went to my parents’ house out in the country and took a hike into the back hills where I used to frolic as a child.  Memories came flooding back as I wandered through the open, snowy woods.  

My Neighbors

The clearing to my neighbor’s house

I remembered the neighbor, Ms. Mueller, who I had been told was a survivor from World War II and the Nazi camps. She lived up the hill behind our house on her own, windows covered with black garbage bags.  I was always told not to bother her, yet if I saw her outside of her house curiosity would win over and I’d talk to her. She was very kind, if not a little strange.  My dad would tell me that was part of her PTSD, but I didn’t really know what that meant.

For the Love of A Child

In elementary school one year we made paper May Day baskets, decorated them with crayon, and filled them with candy. I decided I wanted to give a basket to her; perhaps she was lonely and need some drawings for her refrigerator.  I hung it on her doorknob and knocked on her door and ran into the woods to watch, terrified and excited.  Would she be angry for being disturbed?  I didn’t even know which of her two doors she used.  I waited for a while, then ran up again and knocked on the other door even harder, confused at the lack of response. She never answered the door, and I left a bit disappointed, but hopeful she would find it later.  

Home Has Changed

The structure of the forest has changed. I searched for the tree where I used to hide out and read books in my dad’s deer stand. (Around the age of 8 I “ran away” and was determined I’d live there to show my mom how much I didn’t need her rules.) The sacred meadow where I used to sit on the rock and overlook the cow pasture is now full of bushes and trees and thorns. A temporary deer stand exists elsewhere, ladder propped against a young vital tree that can hold the weight.

Can You Go Home Again?

When I come here and go into the woods, I remember the simple innocence; the comfort of wanting to be away but knowing I had a place to return to where I was loved. I think about all those who don’t have that right now and feel trapped in houses with people who don’t love them.  

It’s more common individuals are with partners or family who DO love them–but are unable to feel it.  Just like when I was young and I didn’t realize how I was being loved by my parents—especially in the times of boundary struggles. 

Community Support

The water is off.  I know 20 years ago I could have walked to any neighbor’s house to refill the water jugs.  I’m sure I still could, but it feels different doing it now, since I don’t know the neighbors, than it did when I could bike to the neighboring farm to ask for a cup of sugar for my mom.  Why is that?  Has living in the city and owning my own house and seeing the separation of the world taken away my ability to knock on someone’s door?  Maybe I should tap on that.

Have Neighborly Ways Changed?

I’m not scared and I know I won’t get hurt.  It’s almost as if there’s an unwritten social rule.  I guess I could go knock and introduce myself. I don’t know why asking for water seems like a harder step.  If I were in a foreign country, I probably would, as if being a foreigner excuses my need. But I’m home, aren’t I? 

I’ve Changed More Than Home Has

As I followed the deer paths, the landscape no longer looked familiar to me.  I remember coming here when I was 24.  I think it’s the last time I was out here.  My cat had died unexpectedly in front of me the same day I broke up with a boyfriend. 

I had returned to bury my cat next to my childhood dog, and took to the woods to heal my broken heart. I sat on a fallen tree, laid down and promptly fell asleep.  The sun was in a different space when I awoke, and a deer was calmly grazing nearby.  She looked at me as I rolled my head to look at her more clearly, and we shared a moment together.  She kept eating, and slowly ambled away.  It connected me to what’s real.  

What’s My Point?

It was a reminder connection and love is eternal, no matter how painful it can be.  Peace can be found in gentle moments, no matter where home is or isn’t.  Even in the grief of a death, even when all feels lost, there is still the part of self that grew from that connection.  

That’s what I choose to take back with me to the city. Stillness. Hope. Knowledge that beauty is unfolding and will expose itself when this part of the journey is done.

What is Home for You?

If you are struggling with connection in your family relationships, whether in or out of your current home, I can help. EFT tapping is amazing at helping move through feelings of disconnection, anger, loneliness, betrayal, stress, and feelings of lack of intimacy. Reach out for a free health and healing strategy session and let’s figure out how to make you find that feeling that home is safe and calm for you.

With love,

  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn

Saying ‘Yes’ to a Person and ‘No’ to Touch

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Saying ‘Yes’ and ‘No’

“Are you accepting hugs?” I asked my friend, Jason, at the ski hill just before he opened his arms to welcome me into his space.  I had been running into people I hadn’t seen in over nine months my first day back at the slopes, and had enjoyed the variety of connection opportunities.

After sharing a lovely hug, I turned to a nearby acquaintance of ours.  He was sitting distant to everyone, drinking a beer, and before I could even open my mouth to say hello, he looked at me sternly, held up his hands, and crossed his fingers towards my face.  

What the hell?  I thought, immediately offended.  I’m sure he heard and saw me ask for permission before entering Jason’s space. I wasn’t going to bombard him with a hug.

“Hey there,” I said to him. He’s frightened I’m sure, and probably didn’t mean ill wishes towards me. He just stared at me, nodded his head, and turned back to his beer. 

The fact he wants space doesn’t bother me, I thought. It was the look combined with the gesture, as if he was warding off evil. I know in Japan it is the gesture to ask for a check, but here I take it as a rude “get away from me.” 

Saying ‘Yes’ While Asking For Space

Namaste

There have been various versions of this scenario throughout the pandemic; although this was the most off-putting and rude way someone has asked for space, I can’t help but remember that many of us have not learned how to say ‘yes’ to a person while maintaining distance.  In other words, how to acknowledge another person’s presence while simply and honestly stating one’s boundaries. 

I have seen people place hands together in a gentle ‘namaste’ as a greeting.  Others simply state they are maintaining physical distance.  I have seen people wave or step back with a gentle verbal reminder that they would like some space.  To me, these seem like gentle ways to address the desire for connection (a yes to the person) while asking for distance.  

It’s Different with Strangers–Or Can Be

With strangers I have had the experience of people shrinking away in fear if I walk too close on a hiking trail; others just step off the trail and wait for me to pass-or vice versa.  I have seen people get out of line at the grocery store if someone is too close, while others wait (patiently) for an isle to be vacant before entering themselves. There is not necessarily a need to say ‘yes’ to a stranger, but one can choose the level of grace and fear that accompanies non-verbal communication.

Saying ‘Yes’ as A Skill

Saying ‘yes’ to a person and ‘no’ to touch is a communication skill that was important way before this pandemic.  Have you ever had to redirect a child who wants to be held while you are occupied?  Perhaps you have said something like, “Not now, honey, can you wait until after dinner?”  Or, “I know you want to be on my lap right now, but I have to finish folding this laundry.”  

Redirecting and saying ‘yes’ to a person goes beyond physical contact as well.  Has your partner been focused on a project while you are trying to ask a question and said, “Can you wait a minute to talk about this until I’m done so I can give you my full attention?”  Or, “I’ll help you as soon as I’m finished with this?”  

I’m sure you’ve acknowledged someone’s presence or need for attention or an answer while also asking for a pause, for a moment or two until the timing is better.  

This is saying ‘yes’ to a person and ‘no’ to the interruption.  It is saying in a subtle way, “Hey, I hear you and I want to respond, but if you can wait a bit, I can engage in a manner that is more authentic, more thoughtful, more connected.”

We All Make Mistakes in Communication

Do we make mistakes consciously and subconsciously with communication verbally and non-verbally?  Of course.  Can each of us take offense to something that is not meant to be offensive?  Absolutely.  I did.  

My Question For You

How can you choose to state your boundaries more clearly with those you interact with?  When I teach classes about healthy touch and communication, we often discuss offering a series of options to another that suit your own boundaries.  “Would you like…a high-five? Fist-bump? Handshake?  Hug?”  

Giving a few options within your own comfort level can be a helpful guide to the other whilst showing respect for their own boundaries.  Or, clearly stating before any error is made, “I would love to give you a hug/ handshake, but I am choosing to maintain distancing at the moment. But it is lovely to see you.”  Clear communication not only takes the awkwardness out of  a situation, but shows a level of caring and respect.  

Comfort Levels Change Around Touch

Permissions can also change day-by-day.  A person who wants a hug on Monday may feel a bit sensitive on Friday, or may be starting to distance before they visit an elderly relative.  It doesn’t hurt to ask.  You can even make it playful! Find a few phrases that fit your boundaries and personality for the next time you run into someone you know.  And remember, if someone says ‘no,’ don’t take it personally.  Even if they come across rude or angry.  After all, we are all doing the best we can at the moment; that too, needs to be respected.

Questions? Feel free to contact me directly or join one of my classes about healthy touch based off my book, The Touch Crisis.

With love,

Dawn

  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn

Losing the Ability to Love

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Where Did the Love Go?

Have you ever lost your ability to love?  I have been hesitant of love a few times in my life, especially after relationships (both intimate and friendships) that ended.  But I really lost it, believe it or not, after one of the most joyful and life-changing experiences I had.  I came back from Europe December 28, 2019 and one of the first things I noticed when I interacted with my friends and family was the loss of the emotion of love. 

My Brain Knew, My Heart Did Not

Seriously— I could not feel the love.  I knew I loved them, cared for them, but it was flat.  Detached.  What I imagine people explain when they are on antidepressants where there are no highs and no lows.  In a way it was devastating–but I couldn’t even feel devastated.  Usually I would use Emotional Freedom Techniques (tapping) with myself for something like this, but I couldn’t figure it out. I hired Gabriella from Migration of Emotion, and the best way I could describe it was as if my heart was in a concrete bunker.

Part of the reason I went inside?  Safety.  I connect so deeply and so easily to people that I had stopped connecting because it was too painful to keep leaving. 

Where Is the Connection?

The first time I was in Europe I’d be in one area three weeks then go to another area. There was always something new to see, some new excitement to be had. The second time I was there, I wrote my book, The Touch Crisis, and it was much less like that.  Friends hosted me, but I also took a lot of continuing education and was in hostels or camping temporarily.  The connections were not as deep and, in fact, a lot of the people I considered close friends in the U.S. were not staying in contact or returning texts.  Because I was going back to places I had traveled before, there was less magic and a little less enthusiasm about where I was going.  I lost, over time, my desire to be connected because subconsciously I didn’t want to feel the pain and loss of leaving people.  

  • I met Martina, from Italy, via Ireland
  • Gabriela from Norway via Sweden
  • I met Carli Couchsurfing
  • Sue was also a Couchsurfing host
  • Nadine I met randomly
  • Mom with Håkan, a friend I met through others
Some of the friends I made + still talk with

I do remember a couple months traveling and thinking I ‘should’ feel more excited about what I was seeing . The realization I had been to all these beautiful places and done all these amazing things and had no one who really understood, no one who really could share that experience with me, was horribly isolating. 

Jung on Loneliness

Carl Jung said in Memories, Dreams, and Reflections, “Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”

I knew I had changed, but kept questioning: what is this lesson?  I was doing my work, tapping, self-exploring.  Shouldn’t this be easier?  I felt so lonely I couldn’t even find the motivation to do my self-work.  Apathy was my main companion.  I escaped through reading, sometimes drinking or eating too much, and sometimes stared at the computer.  Watching movies was pointless because I would spend an hour trying to find what to watch only to turn something on and be completely dissatisfied– all because I was dissatisfied within.  I felt lonely, isolated, and not understood.

My point? 

With help, I came out of it; she helped me find what actually needed to be healed.  She did for me what I strive to do for others, and I am extremely grateful.

Love is worth it.  Connection is worth it.  It’s why I’m so passionate about relationships and why it’s my life mission to help people feel wanted, connected, and powerful.  Sometimes shit hits the fan and it feels it’s too hard or impossible to heal.  Hell, half my work was about getting over the fear of feeling pain or heartbreak.  The other portion was about observing where I was getting love, support, and understanding but wasn’t able to see it.  

My Question for You

Where do you want to feel more love with yourself, others, and/ or your community? What is preventing you from having that? How will you choose to communicate the things that are important to you?

With love,

Dawn

  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn

The Love of Connecting..But What About Touch?

Touch Remedies Posted on by

Connecting is a Core Strength

I am having WAY too much fun connecting and collaborating these days–even without touch.

When the first round of stay-at-home orders hit, I was thrilled to use my “free time” to be on zoom about twelve hours a day. I was co-writing another book, networking with my two favorite networking groups, as well as having online connects personally with those I kept intending to build relationships with.

I quickly burned out collaborating

Computers drain my energy. They make me irritable and restless if I’m not also doing regular exercise. At the time, I was busy pouting over a sprained ankle and a shoulder injury, so wasn’t working out. The only things that kept me sane were hugs from my roommate + a newfound coffee and chocolate compulsion. It was not the best choice for my physical health. Emotionally they helped, as coffee reminded me of friends in Europe.

I’ve adapted to Touch-Free

It’s like playtime when I’m interviewed for articles, podcasts, blogs, and newsletters. I have presented about The Touch Crisis virtually to groups in San Fransisco, California; Madison and Wausau, Wisconsin. I spoke for an International women’s networking group. I was a “Ted-Talk Style” speaker for Accelerated Global Connections.

Connecting can be easier when touch is involved. Most of us have reset our understanding of and need for healthy physical contact.

My Question for You

Touch Remedies back to back

Can you ask for what you need in this time? Can you let go of any fear and understand that healthy touch actually boosts the immune system? Seriously-they did a study exposing people to the flu and found the more hugs and better social support, the less likely people were to get sick.

When you see friends ask, “Would you like a handshake? Hug? Or for me to say six feet away?” It shows respect + you get to only throw in the options that suit you. You can also make it playful, “Are you receiving hugs today?” Instead of having an awkward moment, take charge and choose to connect.

If you need a hug or some healthy human contact, you know where to find me.

With love,

Dawn

  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn